Our Loss

These past five days have been devastating for me. All of us, in fact. Everyone has been wondering what has been going on with me and our family, so instead of having to retell the story again and again, Ill tell our story here.

On June 16th, I took a pregnancy test. It was 8 days before my next period, so, I cant honestly tell you why I took it so early. Had a extra test laying around, I felt ‘different’, I don’t know. It wasnt even first thing in the morning! So, you can probably understand my shock when it came back positive. My lines dont even show up until the day after! But, there it was…light, but visible. I took one everyday and watched the lines come in darker and darker each day.
Day 1

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Day 2

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Day 3

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Finally, I decided to buy a digital test…just to make sure. I still didnt believe what these tests and my craving were telling me.
Day 4

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So there it was. I was pregnant with my 7th child…me and my husbands 9th baby. Then, everything happened so fast…

July 4th, late afternoon, I started spotting and immediately laid down with my feet up. By Friday it had gotten so bad and I had gotten so sick, I was almost sure I had lost the baby.

Saturday at 6:30 am, we were off to the ER for confirmation of what we had already figured. After an hour and a half of urine tests, blood samples and an IV; I was just ready to have my ultrasound so I could go home. I had been crying for two days and had thought I was strong enough to hear the news. The ultrasound took a half hour, then I was sent back to my room. Didnt get to see the screen nor would the technician say a word….I had to wait for the doctor to tell me the results.

It was not even fifteen minutes later, the doc comes in asking if I got to see the pictures and started talking about the baby. The next 5 minutes happened…well it happened so fast, I think…no, I KNOW, we were all confused…me, my hubby and the doctor. Mind you, this was all a blur, but this is what I remember of the next 5 minutes…

‘Wait, What?? Does it have a heartbeat??’

The doc said, “Yes, everything looks good. In fact, it looks like there are two in there! Twins! You do have a large hemorrhagic ovarian cyst thats probably causing you all this pain…..”

For the next minute or so I remember looking at the ceiling, than to Mike, to the doc than up at the ceiling. My face was on fire! My whole body started. Burning. Up.

The baby is okay?? Its not only okay, but there are two of them!!???
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While Im thinking these things, I was scooting down to have a pelvic exam. It was then, that everything began to downfall. As he started the exam, the doctor, all of a sudden, went from happy to…well, he made the saddest face I think Ive ever seen and told me that he was sorry. It looks like i AM miscarrying.

Again…WHAT?!!

He didnt understand. The ultrasound I had 15 minutes prior looked great…he looked as confused as I felt.

I have NEVER, in my life…went through so many emotions in such a short period of time. Sad, hurt, upset, emotionally, physically and mentally drained, confused, ecstatic, shocked, than….I felt like I was dying inside.
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The doctor didn’t want to mess with me anymore and sent me home. Ordered me on bed rest until I can be seen by my OBGYN sometime this week.

Sad to say, that I lost a baby yesterday afternoon. I couldnt stop the tears. And even though I was devastated beyond belief, I was so sick and weak (to put it mildly) by then….well, if it WAS going to happen…my body couldn’t take much more. I felt like I was dying….never, in my life, nor during my other two miscarriages, have I EVER went through SOO much pain.

Sunday, late evening, I lost more tissue. Don’t really know if it was the other baby or not. Wont know anything for sure until I get another ultrasound sometime this week.

So, that, my friends, is what has been going on. I am back to square one, wondering whats going on inside my body. Tears just pouring out of my eyes. Sometimes I can stop them, sometimes I’m too weak to try to. Hoping and praying the other baby IS okay…..but doubting everything. Again and again. Over and over. My mind spins so fast, the dizziness puts me into a deep sleep for a few hours, then I wake and start again.

Should know all the answers by the end of this week. But until then, its complete bed rest for me. Its a head filled with unanswered questions, and its a heart filled with so much sadness, that only few will really be able to understand.

Late Nights With Tric

For years, I wrote in a journal.  Ok…it was just a bunch of cheap notebooks…but I didn’t need a fancy shmancy book.  I started my first ‘journal’  when I was 18, a few months before I had my first son. I wrote about my feelings, thoughts, things that scared me and where my future was going, etc.  I’m sure, if I’m ever brave enough, I’ll go back and forth quoting some of my life as a teen mom.  Which includes drama, drama and more drama, of course.  Creating this blog was a way that I can start-up my ‘journals’ again.  Instead of a writing in a notebook, I’ll become Miss 21st Century and write it all on here. This is going to be my personal journal of my life.  About myself and raising 6 kids. My concerns and accomplishments. I’ll even let you in on a special club that I’m in…..My sister, Bria, and I call it The Bun-Head Club, which mostly includes mom’s with 2 or more children. So here we go…My first OFFICIAL blog:

Daytime or night-time. They’re no different to me.  I’m officially a walking zombie most of the time.  I do get all my cleaning and laundry done with hardly any interruptions, though, so that’s always a plus! You will find me 5/6 days a week in my pj’s and a very messy, falling to the side of my head ….bun.  It doesn’t mean that I’m lazy, I just don’t have the time to put on makeup….or brush my hair…LOL.  The time I do get for myself includes from about 5am-11am.  <–That’s when I sleep.  And anywhere between 9pm-11pm, depending on what time the kids go to bed or if it’s a weekday or weekend, I get an hour-long bath.  (It really only takes me about 15/20 mins to do what I need to do, but, please, don’t tell my hubby that! 🙂  This is the time I get to relax in my jet tub and call my sister for our nightly ‘talks’.  Which, by the way, are hilarious because we’re both way overtired.  We tried to talk during the daytime, but with my 6 and her 7 it’s nearly impossible. (A 10 minute conversation turns into 30 minutes, because we’re always getting interrupted by children.)

So…yes…I’m up all night long.  I TRY to go to sleep early….but it just never happens.  For instance tonight,  I thought I’d get to bed by 1, because I have to be up tomorrow for Math Superstars at the elementary school volunteering.  As soon as I got out of the bathtub and walked around to my side of the bed, Aytric woke up. *sigh*  I was just going to give him a bottle and hope he would fall back asleep, but had a feeling that wasn’t going to happen.  I was only grumpy for one split second before I peeked into his crib and seen him smiling and kicking his feet with his arms in the air ready for his momma to pick him up and play.

Of course, I smiled back and he laughed in anticipation of the night to come.  We’ve been playing for about 2 hours now and he yawned a few times, so I decided to get on the computer….and leave him with Barney for a few while I blogged.  🙂  

This is a quick video of me and Aytric’s late night ‘play time’.  

http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=10150304515089691 <— This was the only way I could put my video up.  I’m sure I’ll learn soon enough how to do it the ‘right’ way.  🙂

Since this is my first REAL blog (one could say), I hope you enjoy it.  And P.S.  He’s asleep!!  8D