Our Loss

These past five days have been devastating for me. All of us, in fact. Everyone has been wondering what has been going on with me and our family, so instead of having to retell the story again and again, Ill tell our story here.

On June 16th, I took a pregnancy test. It was 8 days before my next period, so, I cant honestly tell you why I took it so early. Had a extra test laying around, I felt ‘different’, I don’t know. It wasnt even first thing in the morning! So, you can probably understand my shock when it came back positive. My lines dont even show up until the day after! But, there it was…light, but visible. I took one everyday and watched the lines come in darker and darker each day.
Day 1

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Day 2

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Day 3

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Finally, I decided to buy a digital test…just to make sure. I still didnt believe what these tests and my craving were telling me.
Day 4

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So there it was. I was pregnant with my 7th child…me and my husbands 9th baby. Then, everything happened so fast…

July 4th, late afternoon, I started spotting and immediately laid down with my feet up. By Friday it had gotten so bad and I had gotten so sick, I was almost sure I had lost the baby.

Saturday at 6:30 am, we were off to the ER for confirmation of what we had already figured. After an hour and a half of urine tests, blood samples and an IV; I was just ready to have my ultrasound so I could go home. I had been crying for two days and had thought I was strong enough to hear the news. The ultrasound took a half hour, then I was sent back to my room. Didnt get to see the screen nor would the technician say a word….I had to wait for the doctor to tell me the results.

It was not even fifteen minutes later, the doc comes in asking if I got to see the pictures and started talking about the baby. The next 5 minutes happened…well it happened so fast, I think…no, I KNOW, we were all confused…me, my hubby and the doctor. Mind you, this was all a blur, but this is what I remember of the next 5 minutes…

‘Wait, What?? Does it have a heartbeat??’

The doc said, “Yes, everything looks good. In fact, it looks like there are two in there! Twins! You do have a large hemorrhagic ovarian cyst thats probably causing you all this pain…..”

For the next minute or so I remember looking at the ceiling, than to Mike, to the doc than up at the ceiling. My face was on fire! My whole body started. Burning. Up.

The baby is okay?? Its not only okay, but there are two of them!!???
——

While Im thinking these things, I was scooting down to have a pelvic exam. It was then, that everything began to downfall. As he started the exam, the doctor, all of a sudden, went from happy to…well, he made the saddest face I think Ive ever seen and told me that he was sorry. It looks like i AM miscarrying.

Again…WHAT?!!

He didnt understand. The ultrasound I had 15 minutes prior looked great…he looked as confused as I felt.

I have NEVER, in my life…went through so many emotions in such a short period of time. Sad, hurt, upset, emotionally, physically and mentally drained, confused, ecstatic, shocked, than….I felt like I was dying inside.
——

The doctor didn’t want to mess with me anymore and sent me home. Ordered me on bed rest until I can be seen by my OBGYN sometime this week.

Sad to say, that I lost a baby yesterday afternoon. I couldnt stop the tears. And even though I was devastated beyond belief, I was so sick and weak (to put it mildly) by then….well, if it WAS going to happen…my body couldn’t take much more. I felt like I was dying….never, in my life, nor during my other two miscarriages, have I EVER went through SOO much pain.

Sunday, late evening, I lost more tissue. Don’t really know if it was the other baby or not. Wont know anything for sure until I get another ultrasound sometime this week.

So, that, my friends, is what has been going on. I am back to square one, wondering whats going on inside my body. Tears just pouring out of my eyes. Sometimes I can stop them, sometimes I’m too weak to try to. Hoping and praying the other baby IS okay…..but doubting everything. Again and again. Over and over. My mind spins so fast, the dizziness puts me into a deep sleep for a few hours, then I wake and start again.

Should know all the answers by the end of this week. But until then, its complete bed rest for me. Its a head filled with unanswered questions, and its a heart filled with so much sadness, that only few will really be able to understand.

Boy Oh Boyzzzz

I work 16-18 hrs days, 27 days a month, cleaning, cooking, doing laundry, etc., etc., etc. The only time I sit down is when I go to the bathroom or the occasional dramatic fall on the couch where I take 2 min breaks. Because, lets face it, moms, if you sit down longer than that, you never want to get back up. ANYONE who says that I could POSSIBLY lay around all day #1 has never seen my house and #2 is an ignorant LIAR.

I dont get paid, nor would I expect to. I dont even ask for a thank you, because…thats my job, as a mother. But there IS just ONE thing I DO ask,

IF YOU PEE ON THE TOLIET SEAT, PUH-LEASE CLEAN IT OFF.

Thank you (:

Zevyn’s Kindergarten Progress

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I am very proud of Zevyn! He is a wonderful helper, very lovable, and teaches everyone to be loving & kind. <;– (Our motto @ home) All who know him will agree, he is one of the sweetest boys there is.

First semester, I honestly worried about him. They expect SOO much of Kindergarteners these days! His biggest 'issue', tho, was needing to write/create everything sooo perfect, it took him longer to finish. (Wonder who he got that from..lol)

This quarter, 3rd, he still is very eager to learn. He's like a sponge, soaking up as much as he can.

Besides the 32 site words they have to know (<;– words they have to know by site without sounding them out), they, also, have to know:
~11 colors & color words
~ 10 shapes & the shapes words
~ All letters, upper & lower case
~ Numbers 1-25 and reading the number words
~ All consonant & vowel sounds
~ Counting to 100. Counting by 2's & 5's
~ Arranging pics in sequence order; describes plot, characters & setting of a story; distinguishes between fiction & nonfiction
~ Using Capitalization and Punctuation in sentences
~ Tells time
~ Identifies & names all coins and their values
~ Simple subtraction & Addition
…..and the list goes on and on.

Zevyn is doing really well besides needing extra help with site words. He just missed 2 weeks of school, with a horrible flu, but has caught up and is working as hard as ever!

Love You, Cowboy…<;3

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We (I) work very hard with Zevyn each and every night on his school work, or extra learning activities. Too see how well he’s doing and all the compliments he receives from his teacher (among others), makes me one very proud Momma! Love knowing that all the time and energy we put into our children, really DOES pay off!

Fearing Consequences vs Fearing Parents

At a very early age, it is VITAL to open up the lines of communication with your children. If you don’t do this when they’re young….then why would you expect them to come running to you when they’re older?  If your child feels they that cannot come to you for advise, or questions they have or are able to admit to you when they’ve done wrong….I DO NOT believe it’s the childs fault.

A child should have a healthy amount of  ‘fear’ when it comes to the consequences of their wronged actions. They know that being disciplined is not fun, neither is dissappointing someone you love. But a child should NOT be scared of their parent….so scared they they rather keep it in or tell someone else, rather than talk to you. If you yell at them and call them names….I can almost guarantee that they won’t come to you again. Or, if they do…they’re going to tell half truths so as not to get yelled and screamed at again.

I know it is hard sometimes.  You have the stresses of everyday life, too.  I get it.  But it is our job to teach and install, in our little ones, to  know whats right and wrong. They need to know they are  going to make mistakes….we all do.  Not any of us are perfect.  That they can learn from these mistakes.  That they can come to us (the parents) to help them see what they should have or shouldn’t have done.  How they can fix the situation or what better path they can take, if something would to happen again. They should, also, know that any discipline we would have to give them, will be out of love.  Love for them.  NOT out of anger.  Screaming, yelling, calling them names (yes, even ‘stupid’) is just NOT acceptable.  This is called verbal abuse/assault.  Yes, abuse. Assault.  It is THAT serious.

“Not every adult can manage the sometimes overwhelming job of being a parent. When parents yell, blame, curse at their kids, and punish it’s usually because they are terribly insecure or they didn’t have good role models for parenting themselves.” ~ says Dr. Marie whom is licensed as both a psychologist and marriage and family counselor.  She specializes in couples and family therapy and parent education. Check out her website at ParentAdvisor.net, follow her on Facebook or Twitter.

Verbal Assaults

  • Berating, belittling, criticizing, name calling, screaming, threatening

  • Excessive blaming, and using sarcasm and humiliation.

  • Blowing your flaws out of proportion and making fun of you in front of others. Over time, this type of abuse erodes your sense of self confidence and self-worth. ~ Letters from the UnlovedThe Hidden World of Teen Depression


    Please, take the time out of your day to sit down and explain the importance of communication between you and your child(ren).  



Relax, First Time Moms

Reading anothers blog about first time Moms awkward baby moments, brought me back 17 years ago when I had my first son. At nineteen years old, I looked more like fifteen. I would see people stare at me and I was MORE nervous for THAT fact then anything else. Did I know what I was doing? Yeah, pretty much. Growing up around a lot of babies and baby sitting helped out a lot. But it was different when people were eyeballing me. It was like they were just waiting for me to do something wrong. (Or so, at that time….is what I thought). I’d change diapers in a snap, but out in public, I sometimes felt my hands shake, my fingers weren’t moving right…it was just pure paranoia. Which just makes me laugh thinking about it now.

Four more sons and one daughter later, I have been through it all. Been peed on, multiple times, pooped on and even had babies spit up directly in my mouth! I can’t tell you how many times they woke up soaked through EVERYTHING even though they were changed two hours before.

I breast fed them all, ranging from a couple months to two years old. They would eat for 45 minutes, them I’d have to change them, give them another sip and put them back to sleep. And by the time I got settled back in bed, I’d only have about a half hour before It would start all over again. The word tired wouldn’t quite cut it. Zombified….was more like it. But that only lasted for a couple months and as time went by, I was ecstatic about getting 5/6 hours of sleep in a row. Having a baby is sometimes difficult, exhausting, scary, nerve-racking….but 99.9 percent of all mothers out there will tell you it is ALLLL worth it. 🙂

I often catch a glimpse at ‘first time moms’ (which is usually obvious). Or even moms having a toddler and a new baby…By catching the wet wipes that are falling (or being pulled off by a toddler) or by simply (and sincerly) telling the Momma that their doing a great job, I’ve noticed that they really appreciate it. I see a moment of RELIEF washed across their face. We’ve all done it, we’ve all been through it, and we all know what you’re going through. When we see you with fussy ones mid afternoon, we KNOW, its just time for their nap. When we see your hair in a bun and no make up on early in the morning, we know you’ve had a long sleepless night or a crazy morning. I don’t judge….because I remember like it was yesterday.

Every week, every month, every year, difficult things become an easy routine. Soon after, milestones bring on new and messier situations, but through time, you’ll get it down. Then one day YOU’LL see a new mom struggling, you’ll smile, tell her she’s doing a great job and she will pass it on to the next.

Overflowing Everything

I REALLY have to go through the kids closet again. /: Didnt I just do this?!

They have HUGE closets…where’d they get all these clothes??

I think I clean them out like once every month!

These are Nyil, Zevyn & Meysa’s closets…..And Im out of room. I already tried the ‘squishing’ option, but then I couldn’t pull any clothes out with a few coming out with them.

NYIL’S CLOSET

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ZEVYN’S CLOSET

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AND MEYSA’S 2 CLOSETS….

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We don’t go shopping THAT much, do we??! Well, I guess this is my project for today… 😛

I’ll have to take some ‘after’ shots later today…..so Check Back!

I don’t even want to think about their dressers…they’re overflowing. Guess that’ll be tomorrows project. Oye.

I had time to clean out only one closet because we had about six surprise guests!! 🙂
This is Nyils closet…

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Took about an hour, only because I like the clothes color coordinated. Before this week is over, Im getting my closet cleaned up!! 🙂