My doctors appointment is in 13 hours.
That is how long the doc said it would take to miscarry, after hearing no heartbeat last Monday.
Its been 9 of the longest days of my life. Scared, hopeful, devastated, weak, tired, in unbearable pain……and sooo sick of bleeding.
Thats how long ago this all started. The cramping. The bleeding (<–yes, for 21 days with no let up). The trip to the ER to find out I was carrying twins. The loss of one twin and, as of last Monday, the loss of another heartbeat.
This is the number of options my body has to undergo by tomorrow. Natural miscarriage. A d&c. Or a pill they give me that will abort [the baby with no heartbeat].
Thats my estimate of the number of tears that has fallen. Down my cheek. Onto my pillow.
The number of babies I've lost in the past couple weeks. The number of smiles I'll never see and the number of voices I'll never hear.
And then there's 6.
6 precious gifts that have been bestowed upon me. Gifts of life. Gifts of love. Gifts of joy and happiness. The gift of 5 adorable boys and 1 beautiful little girl.
Today/tonight has been extremely difficult for me. All the more thankful I am that my older boys are back home with me. I was, obviously, grateful for the distraction and the words of encouragement, but even more so, thankful just to hold them in my arms again, after being gone for the past two months.
I know tomorrows going to be difficult. Difficult to walk into the doctors office. Difficult to decide which option to choose (which I still have NO Idea). Difficult to precede with my option. And difficult to go home knowing all hope will be gone.