So, last night I had to fill out some paperwork, paperwork that had to be finished before my appointment this morning. This ‘paperwork’, which was 22 pages, took me over 3 hours to fill out. As soon as I was filling out the info on my last pregnancy, I see… “The web page has expired”. Needless to say, I filled it all out again except for all my pregnancy info….I’m sorry but there was NO WAY I was going to do that all over again. I took my bath and laid down staring at the ceiling. Sometime, early morning, I fell asleep.
I woke up 2 hours before my appointment. Enough time for me to try to get ready, suck back my tears, get dressed, cry, try to redo the makeup that I, honestly, only put on to cover up the death circles under my eyes, put on my shoes and go. I arrived one minute before my scheduled appointment, but sat in the parking lot for the next 5 minutes. I couldn’t breathe….couldn’t catch my breath. Anxiety attack? I don’t know. Never had one before. All I knew is that I was breathing hard short breaths and my lungs just wouldn’t expand all the way. I concentrated on prayers. (Psalms 55:22, Isaiah 12:2) Asking only to give me the strength to get out of my car and into the office. To get through the next 5 minutes….the next half hour….etc., etc. (Philippians 4:13)
They got me in immediately after I checked in. Thank goodness, because I didn’t think I could wait in the waiting room with all these pregnant women without breaking down. The nurses were so nice and the doc and ultrasound machine was ready to go within 10 minutes.
“Before we get into anything, we’re just going to take a look and see what’s going on in there.”, the doc said while getting the machine up and ready. Again…thank you. Because I wouldn’t have been able to hear anything he had to say anyway with this machine just staring at me. The machine that would soon tell me my future.
As I lay back (and scoot forward), every emotion that I went through at the ER came rushing back to me and I put my hands on my face and started crying….hard. After 30 seconds of silence, I peeked through my fingers. I seen the doc lean forward and the nurse take a step towards the screen……. I’m thinking What? What are they looking at? The doc then turns the screen towards me.
I KNOW that anyone, in any of the rooms beside of me, heard my cry. My ‘wails of joy’. My hands were immediately back over my face….tears free falling, soaking my face and the ‘sheet’ that was underneath of me.
“There’s the baby and there’s its little flickering heart. But you probably know that, since you’re a pro at this and all.” Then there was a very long pause while I tried to stop this flow of tears that had a mind of their own. When I finally removed my hands from my face and seen two sets of eyes just staring at me, a little voice, whom I’m assuming was my own, whispered, “I’m. just. sooo. happy.” And then the tears fell again.
I honestly don’t remember much of what happened next, until I found myself in the parking lot, sitting in my car, crying some more. I sat there for about 5 minutes before I put the car in drive and back in park…..not yet… I wasn’t ready yet. I had to breath. Deep slow breaths. After another 10 minutes, I started my drive home.
One day at a time….one week at a time….one month at a time. That’s how the doc told me to get through this. I’m still bleeding, but that’s probably from the loss of the other and, hopefully, will slow down and eventually stop….soon. And, although, I’m devastated about a loss of one, I am thankful for the life of the other. For losing the….the both of them??… would’ve broken me. I am a strong woman, but there is nothing…absolutely NOTHING…that can prepare you for the loss of your baby. Whether it be at 6 weeks or 6 months, it’s still a loss of a son….or a daughter. A loss of a baby…. and the loss of a life. And even though I didn’t plan this pregnancy, I feel very grateful and blessed. For children ARE truly gifts from God. (Psalms 127:3,4)