Our Loss

These past five days have been devastating for me. All of us, in fact. Everyone has been wondering what has been going on with me and our family, so instead of having to retell the story again and again, Ill tell our story here.

On June 16th, I took a pregnancy test. It was 8 days before my next period, so, I cant honestly tell you why I took it so early. Had a extra test laying around, I felt ‘different’, I don’t know. It wasnt even first thing in the morning! So, you can probably understand my shock when it came back positive. My lines dont even show up until the day after! But, there it was…light, but visible. I took one everyday and watched the lines come in darker and darker each day.
Day 1

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Day 2

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Day 3

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Finally, I decided to buy a digital test…just to make sure. I still didnt believe what these tests and my craving were telling me.
Day 4

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So there it was. I was pregnant with my 7th child…me and my husbands 9th baby. Then, everything happened so fast…

July 4th, late afternoon, I started spotting and immediately laid down with my feet up. By Friday it had gotten so bad and I had gotten so sick, I was almost sure I had lost the baby.

Saturday at 6:30 am, we were off to the ER for confirmation of what we had already figured. After an hour and a half of urine tests, blood samples and an IV; I was just ready to have my ultrasound so I could go home. I had been crying for two days and had thought I was strong enough to hear the news. The ultrasound took a half hour, then I was sent back to my room. Didnt get to see the screen nor would the technician say a word….I had to wait for the doctor to tell me the results.

It was not even fifteen minutes later, the doc comes in asking if I got to see the pictures and started talking about the baby. The next 5 minutes happened…well it happened so fast, I think…no, I KNOW, we were all confused…me, my hubby and the doctor. Mind you, this was all a blur, but this is what I remember of the next 5 minutes…

‘Wait, What?? Does it have a heartbeat??’

The doc said, “Yes, everything looks good. In fact, it looks like there are two in there! Twins! You do have a large hemorrhagic ovarian cyst thats probably causing you all this pain…..”

For the next minute or so I remember looking at the ceiling, than to Mike, to the doc than up at the ceiling. My face was on fire! My whole body started. Burning. Up.

The baby is okay?? Its not only okay, but there are two of them!!???
——

While Im thinking these things, I was scooting down to have a pelvic exam. It was then, that everything began to downfall. As he started the exam, the doctor, all of a sudden, went from happy to…well, he made the saddest face I think Ive ever seen and told me that he was sorry. It looks like i AM miscarrying.

Again…WHAT?!!

He didnt understand. The ultrasound I had 15 minutes prior looked great…he looked as confused as I felt.

I have NEVER, in my life…went through so many emotions in such a short period of time. Sad, hurt, upset, emotionally, physically and mentally drained, confused, ecstatic, shocked, than….I felt like I was dying inside.
——

The doctor didn’t want to mess with me anymore and sent me home. Ordered me on bed rest until I can be seen by my OBGYN sometime this week.

Sad to say, that I lost a baby yesterday afternoon. I couldnt stop the tears. And even though I was devastated beyond belief, I was so sick and weak (to put it mildly) by then….well, if it WAS going to happen…my body couldn’t take much more. I felt like I was dying….never, in my life, nor during my other two miscarriages, have I EVER went through SOO much pain.

Sunday, late evening, I lost more tissue. Don’t really know if it was the other baby or not. Wont know anything for sure until I get another ultrasound sometime this week.

So, that, my friends, is what has been going on. I am back to square one, wondering whats going on inside my body. Tears just pouring out of my eyes. Sometimes I can stop them, sometimes I’m too weak to try to. Hoping and praying the other baby IS okay…..but doubting everything. Again and again. Over and over. My mind spins so fast, the dizziness puts me into a deep sleep for a few hours, then I wake and start again.

Should know all the answers by the end of this week. But until then, its complete bed rest for me. Its a head filled with unanswered questions, and its a heart filled with so much sadness, that only few will really be able to understand.

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2 thoughts on “Our Loss

  1. Rhonda Yunis says:

    So sad, and I am praying for you my friend…

  2. Kristine says:

    sorry for your loss, I hope the other baby is ok. Prayers.

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