This Roller Coaster Ride Has Come To An Abrupt Stop

13 hours.
My doctors appointment is in 13 hours.

2-3 days.
That is how long the doc said it would take to miscarry, after hearing no heartbeat last Monday.

9 days.
Its been 9 of the longest days of my life. Scared, hopeful, devastated, weak, tired, in unbearable pain……and sooo sick of bleeding.

21 days.
Thats how long ago this all started. The cramping. The bleeding (<–yes, for 21 days with no let up). The trip to the ER to find out I was carrying twins. The loss of one twin and, as of last Monday, the loss of another heartbeat.

3
This is the number of options my body has to undergo by tomorrow. Natural miscarriage. A d&c. Or a pill they give me that will abort [the baby with no heartbeat].

10,000.
Thats my estimate of the number of tears that has fallen. Down my cheek. Onto my pillow.

2
The number of babies I've lost in the past couple weeks. The number of smiles I'll never see and the number of voices I'll never hear.

And then there's 6.
6 precious gifts that have been bestowed upon me. Gifts of life. Gifts of love. Gifts of joy and happiness. The gift of 5 adorable boys and 1 beautiful little girl.

Today/tonight has been extremely difficult for me. All the more thankful I am that my older boys are back home with me. I was, obviously, grateful for the distraction and the words of encouragement, but even more so, thankful just to hold them in my arms again, after being gone for the past two months.

I know tomorrows going to be difficult. Difficult to walk into the doctors office. Difficult to decide which option to choose (which I still have NO Idea). Difficult to precede with my option. And difficult to go home knowing all hope will be gone.

A FLICKER OF HOPE

So, last night I had to fill out some paperwork, paperwork that had to be finished before my appointment this morning. This ‘paperwork’, which was 22 pages, took me over 3 hours to fill out. As soon as I was filling out the info on my last pregnancy, I see… “The web page has expired”. Needless to say, I filled it all out again except for all my pregnancy info….I’m sorry but there was NO WAY I was going to do that all over again. I took my bath and laid down staring at the ceiling. Sometime, early morning, I fell asleep.

 

I woke up 2 hours before my appointment. Enough time for me to try to get ready, suck back my tears, get dressed, cry, try to redo the makeup that I, honestly, only put on to cover up the death circles under my eyes, put on my shoes and go. I arrived one minute before my scheduled appointment, but sat in the parking lot for the next 5 minutes. I couldn’t breathe….couldn’t catch my breath. Anxiety attack? I don’t know. Never had one before. All I knew is that I was breathing hard short breaths and my lungs just wouldn’t expand all the way. I concentrated on prayers. (Psalms 55:22, Isaiah 12:2) Asking only to give me the strength to get out of my car and into the office. To get through the next 5 minutes….the next half hour….etc., etc. (Philippians 4:13)

 

They got me in immediately after I checked in. Thank goodness, because I didn’t think I could wait in the waiting room with all these pregnant women without breaking down. The nurses were so nice and the doc and ultrasound machine was ready to go within 10 minutes.

 

“Before we get into anything, we’re just going to take a look and see what’s going on in there.”, the doc said while getting the machine up and ready. Again…thank you. Because I wouldn’t have been able to hear anything he had to say anyway with this machine just staring at me. The machine that would soon tell me my future.

 

As I lay back (and scoot forward), every emotion that I went through at the ER came rushing back to me and I put my hands on my face and started crying….hard. After 30 seconds of silence, I peeked through my fingers. I seen the doc lean forward and the nurse take a step towards the screen……. I’m thinking What? What are they looking at? The doc then turns the screen towards me.

 

I KNOW that anyone, in any of the rooms beside of me, heard my cry. My ‘wails of joy’. My hands were immediately back over my face….tears free falling, soaking my face and the ‘sheet’ that was underneath of me.

 

“There’s the baby and there’s its little flickering heart. But you probably know that, since you’re a pro at this and all.” Then there was a very long pause while I tried to stop this flow of tears that had a mind of their own. When I finally removed my hands from my face and seen two sets of eyes just staring at me, a little voice, whom I’m assuming was my own, whispered, “I’m. just. sooo. happy.” And then the tears fell again.

 

I honestly don’t remember much of what happened next, until I found myself in the parking lot, sitting in my car, crying some more. I sat there for about 5 minutes before I put the car in drive and back in park…..not yet… I wasn’t ready yet. I had to breath. Deep slow breaths. After another 10 minutes, I started my drive home.

 

One day at a time….one week at a time….one month at a time. That’s how the doc told me to get through this. I’m still bleeding, but that’s probably from the loss of the other and, hopefully, will slow down and eventually stop….soon. And, although, I’m devastated about a loss of one, I am thankful for the life of the other. For losing the….the both of them??… would’ve broken me. I am a strong woman, but there is nothing…absolutely NOTHING…that can prepare you for the loss of your baby. Whether it be at 6 weeks or 6 months, it’s still a loss of a son….or a daughter. A loss of a baby…. and the loss of a life. And even though I didn’t plan this pregnancy, I feel very grateful and blessed. For children ARE truly gifts from God. (Psalms 127:3,4)

 

 

 

 

Our Loss

These past five days have been devastating for me. All of us, in fact. Everyone has been wondering what has been going on with me and our family, so instead of having to retell the story again and again, Ill tell our story here.

On June 16th, I took a pregnancy test. It was 8 days before my next period, so, I cant honestly tell you why I took it so early. Had a extra test laying around, I felt ‘different’, I don’t know. It wasnt even first thing in the morning! So, you can probably understand my shock when it came back positive. My lines dont even show up until the day after! But, there it was…light, but visible. I took one everyday and watched the lines come in darker and darker each day.
Day 1

20120709-191703.jpg
Day 2

20120709-191834.jpg
Day 3

20120709-191921.jpg
Finally, I decided to buy a digital test…just to make sure. I still didnt believe what these tests and my craving were telling me.
Day 4

20120709-192124.jpg
So there it was. I was pregnant with my 7th child…me and my husbands 9th baby. Then, everything happened so fast…

July 4th, late afternoon, I started spotting and immediately laid down with my feet up. By Friday it had gotten so bad and I had gotten so sick, I was almost sure I had lost the baby.

Saturday at 6:30 am, we were off to the ER for confirmation of what we had already figured. After an hour and a half of urine tests, blood samples and an IV; I was just ready to have my ultrasound so I could go home. I had been crying for two days and had thought I was strong enough to hear the news. The ultrasound took a half hour, then I was sent back to my room. Didnt get to see the screen nor would the technician say a word….I had to wait for the doctor to tell me the results.

It was not even fifteen minutes later, the doc comes in asking if I got to see the pictures and started talking about the baby. The next 5 minutes happened…well it happened so fast, I think…no, I KNOW, we were all confused…me, my hubby and the doctor. Mind you, this was all a blur, but this is what I remember of the next 5 minutes…

‘Wait, What?? Does it have a heartbeat??’

The doc said, “Yes, everything looks good. In fact, it looks like there are two in there! Twins! You do have a large hemorrhagic ovarian cyst thats probably causing you all this pain…..”

For the next minute or so I remember looking at the ceiling, than to Mike, to the doc than up at the ceiling. My face was on fire! My whole body started. Burning. Up.

The baby is okay?? Its not only okay, but there are two of them!!???
——

While Im thinking these things, I was scooting down to have a pelvic exam. It was then, that everything began to downfall. As he started the exam, the doctor, all of a sudden, went from happy to…well, he made the saddest face I think Ive ever seen and told me that he was sorry. It looks like i AM miscarrying.

Again…WHAT?!!

He didnt understand. The ultrasound I had 15 minutes prior looked great…he looked as confused as I felt.

I have NEVER, in my life…went through so many emotions in such a short period of time. Sad, hurt, upset, emotionally, physically and mentally drained, confused, ecstatic, shocked, than….I felt like I was dying inside.
——

The doctor didn’t want to mess with me anymore and sent me home. Ordered me on bed rest until I can be seen by my OBGYN sometime this week.

Sad to say, that I lost a baby yesterday afternoon. I couldnt stop the tears. And even though I was devastated beyond belief, I was so sick and weak (to put it mildly) by then….well, if it WAS going to happen…my body couldn’t take much more. I felt like I was dying….never, in my life, nor during my other two miscarriages, have I EVER went through SOO much pain.

Sunday, late evening, I lost more tissue. Don’t really know if it was the other baby or not. Wont know anything for sure until I get another ultrasound sometime this week.

So, that, my friends, is what has been going on. I am back to square one, wondering whats going on inside my body. Tears just pouring out of my eyes. Sometimes I can stop them, sometimes I’m too weak to try to. Hoping and praying the other baby IS okay…..but doubting everything. Again and again. Over and over. My mind spins so fast, the dizziness puts me into a deep sleep for a few hours, then I wake and start again.

Should know all the answers by the end of this week. But until then, its complete bed rest for me. Its a head filled with unanswered questions, and its a heart filled with so much sadness, that only few will really be able to understand.